[10:09] <Haruka> ...hey buffy write a fic with jared and jensen in a disney movie
[10:09] <Buffy> ...which one
[10:09] <Haruka> ...
[10:09] <Haruka> beauty and the beast is done so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[10:10] <Haruka> ...aladdin
[10:10] <Buffy> ...o-omg
[10:10] <Buffy> which one is which
[10:10] <Haruka> ...this is a good question
[10:10] <Haruka> have jensen be jasmine
[10:11] <Haruka> he'll be bitchier that way
[10:11] <Buffy> ...hottt
So yeah. I would like to apologize to everyone who appears in this fic, reads this fic, and even who knows this fic exists. But I would like to especially apologize to Tom Welling, who I do not actually think is functionally retarded. I think you're awesome, Tom Welling.
Other things I do not believe you to be include: a pregnant dog.
For the most part, Jared doesn't mind being a street rat. It's not like it's the world's most illustrious profession, no--especially not since his profession is less "street rat" and more "petty thief," but that's not important. The important thing is, life could be worse.
That doesn't mean he's not aware it could be better, though. It's kind of hard to forget that, with the mansions so close to the poor part of town. It seems stupid, really, that people like the Wellings and the Tals have so much power, while Jared has, well. The clothes on his back.
And some stolen food, but that's just right this minute, and mall security has some ideas about reclaiming it.
"Run, motherfucker!" says Chad.
Chad's not the world's best partner in crime. Jared talks a lot, but Jared also knows how to shut the fuck up, and Chad has yet to master that skill. Like, when fleeing mall security. That's a time to not talk.
Also, Jared is running, so Chad just sucks.
And then Chad veers off down some alley without Jared, and he's a fucker.
Luckily, most of security goes after Chad, and that gives Jared the opportunity to leisurely stroll into a jewelry store. Not to steal, but just to look kind of like a normal person.
That's when he runs into the hottest guy he's ever seen.
Jared doesn't really date much. It's one of the downsides of being a semi-hobo. No one wants to date you if you smell kind of like garbage and don't have real clothes (in a poor way, not a sexy hooker way).
But Jared wants to get new clothes and lie about having a real job and a real apartment that he's not squatting in with Chad and a lot of rats and cockroaches now, because holy shit, this guy. This guy.
"Hi," says Jared.
The guy looks over. His hair's cropped short and his eyes are amazing, green like no real eyes should be. And then there's his lips, his freckles, his muscles...Jared might be drooling. That would be embarrassing. Like he doesn't look homeless enough already.
"Hi?" says the guy. "Can I help you?"
"Oh! Do you, uh, work here?"
The guy looks amused. "No, but you..." he shakes his head. "You talked to me first."
"Well, uh, yeah. I..." And then he hears the sounds of security outside, because they have the worst timing ever. "I'm Jay," he says. "Jared. And I would really love to talk to you, but I have to go. You think they've got a back door?" The guy gestures and Jared grins and waves. "See you!"
Not the best first impression, sure, but it's not like Jared's ever going to see him again.
Jensen Welling hates John Glover.
He likes John's assistant Mike okay, even if he's pretty sure Mike primarily sticks around because he's got some weird crush on Jensen's dad, but he at least doesn't seem like he's pure evil. Part evil, sure, but not totally evil like Glover.
"If Jensen doesn't get married soon," says Glover smoothly, "people are going to talk."
Jensen's dad nods. Tom Welling is a rich, successful guy, but the cash is mostly inherited, and much as Jensen loves him, he has to say--the guy's not so bright. It's the twenty-first century, for god's sake. Gay is not that big a deal.
Which just reminds Jensen gigantic smelly Jared from the jewelry store, because damn. The guy could use a bath, but other than that? He was pretty much perfect. Which is probably not what Jensen should be thinking about when John Glover is trying to charm his dad into marrying him off.
"You know, Alona Tal is a very pretty young woman," says Glover.
Jensen likes Alona. She's awesome. But she's a girl, and kind of like his sister. So Jensen snorts.
"Something to add, Mr. Welling?"
"No way in hell I'm marrying Alona."
"Alona's a very nice girl," says John Glover.
"Very nice," parrots Mike.
"You do like Alona, Jensen," says his dad.
"I like cock," says Jensen.
"I'll see about getting chicken for dinner then," says his father, unphased and oblivious.
"Christ," mutters Jensen, "I'm going out."
Because it's ridiculous, this whole fucking thing. No one cares if he's married, and if they do, what does it matter? Are the shareholders really going to jump ship because Jensen likes dick? It's John Glover being an asshole and Mike should really put his foot down about it, because it's so clear that he's gay for Jensen's dad.
Whatever. Jensen can take a walk, clear his head, maybe check into a hotel for a few days. He's got enough cash on him to last him for a little while, and Tom probably isn't smart enough to think of tracing his credit card if it runs out.
It's as he's planning this, walking down the street with his bag slung over his shoulder, that he sees hot Jared from the jewelry store rooting through a dumpster with a constipated blond guy.
The weirdest part is it's Jensen's dumpster. Well, not personally, but one from his house, and he has to wonder if Jared is a stalker.
"Did you find anything good?" asks the constipated guy.
"Nah, food's all rotten. I thought rich guys threw out good stuff, fuck."
It occurs to Jensen that Jared isn't a stalker. He's a hobo.
"The fuck are you looking at?" asks the blond guy, and Jensen realizes with a sinking feeling that he's asking him.
Hot Jared jumps down out of the dumpster and freezes, staring at Jensen.
Jensen waves. "Hi again."
"Holy shit," says Jared.
"You know this asshole?" asks the blond guy.
"God, shut up, Chad." Jared rubs the back of his neck. "I was just, um. Looking for something I dropped."
Jensen smiles easily. "Find anything good? I'm kind of hungry."
Okay, so he's never pretended to be homeless to pick up a guy before, but hey, Jared's really hot and there's a first time for everything.
The hot guy from the jewelry store's name is Jensen Ackles, and he's a down-on-his-luck actor. Jared is pretty sure he's in love, and Chad snorts but agrees to make himself scarce for the night when Jared wants to bring him home two days later.
"It's not the Ritz," says Jared.
"Neither is my place," says Jensen.
"We've got rats."
"I like rats."
"Please, no one likes rats."
Jensen laughs, a clear, nice sound. "I like rats."
"Street rats?" asks Jared, a little hopefully.
"Mr. Welling!" says a stern voice, and Jared doesn't turn, but Jensen stiffens, which is weird.
"Shit," he mutters.
"Fuck, Jensen, where'd you go?" says someone else, and a bald guy jogs over.
Jared's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even he can put this one together. Jensen is a Welling, which means he's rich, and he was just randomly slumming it with Jared for fun, and that's...okay, Jared doesn't actually know what that is. Bizarre, definitely. Who wants to slum it for fun? Slumming it sucks.
"Mr. Welling, you should get home. Your father is quite upset," says the first voice, and Jared turns to see a guy with bastard written all over him. The kind of guy he wouldn't want to meet on a dark street. Which is just where he's meeting him. Fuck.
"Really," says Jensen, looking like he doesn't like the dude any more than Jared.
"I can't believe this vagabond assaulted you," says the guy, and fuck. That's just what Jared needs.
"Fuck you," says Jensen, looking pissed off. "He did not."
"If you don't come home, I'll have no choice but to tell your father that's what happened. It would simply break his heart to think his son had run away."
Jensen swallows, rubs his face. "I'll go home, Christ. Just leave him the fuck alone."
"Jensen--" says Jared, because he has no clue what's going on, but he's pretty much liked whoever he's been hanging out with for the last couple days, and he doesn't want Jensen's life to suck. Or, honestly, to stop involving him.
"Don't worry about it," says Jensen, flashing him a smile. "I had to go home sometime. He's an idiot, but I like my dad." And then Jensen reaches over, pecks Jared on the lips, and grins. "I had fun, Jay. Thanks."
Jared watches Jensen and the creepy bastard walk off together, and that's possibly why he doesn't see the blow to his head coming.
Jared wakes up chained in a basement, which is fucked up. Also, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is there.
Jared knows Jeffrey Dean Morgan, sort of. Jeffrey Dean Morgan used to be a beggar on the same part of the street as Jared, but he disappeared a while ago, apparently because some freaky dude who works for Jensen's dad chained him in a basement.
"Hey, Padalecki," says Morgan.
"What'd you do?"
"Accidentally kidnapped Jensen Welling."
"I know, right?" says Jared. Life fucking sucks.
"So here's the thing," says Jeff. After being chained in a basement together for a few hours, they're on a first name basis. "There's this legend."
"Did you get booze somehow? Because if you have booze and you're not sharing, I hate you."
"I'm not drunk. Look, it's...Welling is functionally retarded."
"But he got money somehow. Word on the street is, he had a genie."
"Are you high?"
"I'm old, Jared. And I think John Glover broke my fucking leg. But I found a door here, and I'm pretty sure it leads to a vault. And that vault? I think it's got a genie in it. And I wanna know. So I can pick the lock on your chains and let you down there, and you can get out. Just tell me if the genie is real."
So Jeff's lost his mind, but whatever. If he's giving Jared a ticket out of the basement? He'll take it.
"Okay," says Jared. "Okay. Tell me what to do."
So that's how Jared finds himself sneaking down a weird corridor in Tom Welling's basement looking for a genie, when really he wants to be upstairs fucking Tom Welling's son. But beggars can't be choosers, and Jared is actually a beggar, like, for real, so he knows it.
What he comes to is a safe. It doesn't have a combination, though, it's just got a button. And when Jared pushes it, he decides maybe he's high.
"Scanning for diamond in the rough," says the computerized voice. "Scanning, scanning, scann...scan complete. Diamond in the rough located. Welcome, Jared Tristan Padalecki."
And then the safe opens.
Maybe he's on an acid trip. That would explain so much. And he lives with Chad, so acid trips are always a possibility. Like roofies. If Jared weren't starving to death half the time, he would never eat anything Chad gave him.
"Proceed directly to the lamp," says the computer. "Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars."
And there's a lot more than 200 dollars in this thing. Welling's vault? Full of cash. But Jared's pretty much terrified of the fucking computer voice, so he does as he's told. He looks for the lamp.
He was expecting something out of the Arabian Nights, an oil lamp, something you light.
What he finds is a black desk lamp. It's not plugged in, which seems weird, because there's an outlet right there. So he plugs it in, because, come on. Why not?
The light turns on, and then floats up until it's at about eye-level with Jared. And then a guy comes out.
The guy looks a lot like Robin Williams.
Jared has got to be on an acid trip.
"Well! Aren't you a tall drink of water," says Robin Williams.
"Uh," says Jared. What do you say to Robin Williams who just came out of a magical desk lamp in a vault under a mansion. "Yes I am."
"I always liked having tall masters. They're so manly. Really know how to give orders."
"Oh god. I don't want to have sex with you, Robin Williams," says Jared. Because that shit is gross.
"That's good! Because that right there? Is rule number one. I can't make anyone fall in love. And believe you me, I will only make love with a man I truly care about."
"For your wishes! Rule number two, I cannot kill anyone. Even if they really deserve it."
"Is there an echo in here? Rule three! No wishing for more wishes. I get that one all the time. Three wishes, and three wishes only. Count 'em. You've got the fingers for it."
"You're a genie."
"The genie of the lamp!"
"Why are you Robin Williams."
"I'm a genie, I can still have a day job."
"Holy shit," says Jared.
"So," says the genie, "what do you want?"
And isn't that the million dollar question right there.
Jensen is pissed off. For one thing, he was totally going to get laid until Glover and Mike showed up. For another, Mike was mysteriously absent for a while and now no one is letting Jensen into the basement, and when he'd asked his dad if they were keeping hobos in there again, Tom had just said, "Listen, Jensen, I'm not not keeping hobos in the basement."
So Jensen basically wants to kill someone. Ideally, John Glover.
Instead, he beats up the guy who's guarding the basement (seriously, who has guards on the basement), because Jensen didn't take ten years of Tae Kwan Do for nothing. But all he finds in the basement is Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who is there by choice because he's kind of insane. So. Jensen doesn't really know what's happening. When he asked Glover about Jared, his only response had been "Who?" and when Jensen had clarified with, "The hobo that didn't kidnap me," Glover had said, "Jensen, the city is overflowing with hobos who haven't kidnapped you; I can't keep up with them all."
So Jensen hates everyone.
And then, to top off his crappy day, he hears his dad in the sitting room, talking to someone, and he's saying, "You're right, gay marriage is legal in California now."
Jensen swears to god, if his dad actually marries Mike Rosenbaum? Heads will fucking roll.
But then the other person says, "So you think your son might be interested?" and Jensen is more pissed than he knew he was capable of.
He storms into the sitting room and says, "If you're done talking about me like a piece of meat, dad, I'd like to--Jared?"
Jared looks up at him through his bangs, nervous and well-dressed and he probably doesn't smell like a garbage heap. Which would be awesome. "Hi Jensen."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
"Jensen!" says Tom, sounding scandalized. "This is Jared Padalecki. His family is old money in Texas. He heard you were looking for a bride."
Jensen snorts. "He doesn't look like a bride."
"But he has a penis," says Tom. "That's what you were looking for in a woman, right?"
"Yeah, dad. That's what I want a girl to have. A dick."
"Can I talk to Jared alone for a minute, dad?" asks Jensen.
"Of course! But remember, boys are only interested in one thing. Don't give it to him unless you've got a ring on your finger."
Jensen blinks. Jared snickers some more. Tom wanders away, and Jensen is a little scarred.
"You know, that's the closest he ever came to a sex talk."
"So, uh. No offense, but I'm pretty sure you're broke and homeless. So what gives?"
Jared rubs his neck. "This is going to sound crazy."
"Like, acid trip crazy."
"Like, seriously, I'm not sure that I'm not hallucinating this whole thing. Because I live with Chad, and honestly, it's plausible."
"Robin Williams granted me three wishes."
Jensen pauses. "Yeah, that's acid-trip crazy."
"Seriously, Jeffrey Dean Morgan told me there was a genie in your basement and I went into this vault and found a desk lamp and Robin Williams came out of this, and it sounds even crazier when I say it out loud, but I swear, it happened."
"So Robin Williams came out of a lamp in my basement and made you rich so we could get married."
Jared smiles nervously. "Basically?"
"God, what the fuck."
"Yeah," agrees Jared.
It's kind of funny for the first ten minutes, and then it just gets sad.
"I can't believe he hasn't tried plugging it in yet," whispers Jared. "It's a lamp."
"Well everyone says you're supposed to rub it!"
"That's what she said," says Jared, automatically. Jensen elbows him.
John Glover is still rubbing the desk lamp. It's crossed the line back to being hilarious.
"Okay," says Jared. "You attack him, I'll get the lamp."
Jensen has only been waiting for someone to tell him to attack John Glover forever.
"All right, Robin Williams," says Jared. "I got a boyfriend and I'm no longer living in poverty. That's awesome."
"I live to serve," says Robin Williams. "Literally. It sucks."
"Well, good news. With one of my wishes, I will free you."
"What about the other one?" says Jensen.
"Flying carpets are so 1000 B.C.," says Jared. "I'm thinking flying car. Maybe an Impala."
"Oh baby," says Jensen, "you treat me so good."
And they all lived happily ever after. Except John Glover, I guess.